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For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a tshirt with a bulls eye on the back.

A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the local restaurant I sat down and had broken leg of lamb.

My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.

My cousins gay, in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.

The embarrassing thing is that the salad dressing is outgrossing my films.

The embarrassing thing is that the salad dressing is outgrossing my films.

Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good, too.

If you think you're leading and no one is following you, then you're only taking a walk.

I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.

Painting, n.: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and exposing them to the critic.

If every church will make flood buckets - even three would be a great help - or health kits, that would involve them in working toward bringing light in the midst of so very much darkness, ... If every person who gets up in the morning and finds all is OK would simply find a person or a family who is not OK and find a way, in the name of Christ, to make someone else's day, we can go a long way in bringing the message that love is more powerful than the strength of a storm.

I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.

I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.

My wife's not too smart. I told her our kids were spoiled. she said, all kids smell that way.

Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.

Do you know the difference between education and experience? Education is when you read the fine print; experience is what you get when you don't.

A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.

He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

Management by objective works - if you know the objectives. Ninety percent of the time you don't.

People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe.

I bought a new Japanese car, I turned on the radio ... I don't understand a word they're saying.

Gravitation can not be held responsible for people falling in love.

Washington is a place where politicians don't know which way is up and taxes don't know which way is down.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the local restaurant I sat down and had broken leg of lamb.

My mother used to say that there are no strangers, only friends you haven't met yet. She's now in a maximum security twilight home in Australia.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.

My wife's not too smart. I told her our kids were spoiled. she said, all kids smell that way.

Boy were we poor, if I wasn't born a boy I would of had nothing to play with.

My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.

Painting, n.: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and exposing them to the critic.

People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.

Management by objective works - if you know the objectives. Ninety percent of the time you don't.

Washington is a place where politicians don't know which way is up and taxes don't know which way is down.

Being a child is horrible. It is slightly better than being a tree or a piece of heavy machinery but not half as good as being a domestic cat.

The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.

She looked at my calendar and wanted to know who JUNE was.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There are a pair of shoes on the dashboard. they belong to the last guy she hit

I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guys pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

Gravitation can not be held responsible for people falling in love.

I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.

There comes a time in every man's life, and I've had plenty of them.

My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.

God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

You risk much. Apollo And so do you! Scott

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

What does it mean to pre board? Do you get on before you get on?

I have a fine sense of the ridiculous, but no sense of humor.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guys pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

I saw a bank that said 24 Hour Banking, but I don't have that much time.

My wife had her drivers test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

If you think you're leading and no one is following you, then you're only taking a walk.

I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators.

I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.

A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education.

One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her you cooked it, you take it out.

One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her you cooked it, you take it out.

Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

I have a fine sense of the ridiculous, but no sense of humor.

My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

I have a fine sense of the ridiculous, but no sense of humor.

What does it mean to pre board? Do you get on before you get on?

Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good, too.

My mother used to say that there are no strangers, only friends you haven't met yet. She's now in a maximum security twilight home in Australia.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe.

People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.

The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.

I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.

Washington is a place where politicians don't know which way is up and taxes don't know which way is down.

Management by objective works - if you know the objectives. Ninety percent of the time you don't.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

What does it mean to pre board? Do you get on before you get on?

Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.

God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.

Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good, too.

He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.

I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you're in midair, you still hit those brakes Hey, better try the emergency brake

Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

The behavior of any bureaucratic organization can best be understood by assuming that it is controlled by a secret cabal of its enemies.

What does it mean to pre board? Do you get on before you get on?

One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her you cooked it, you take it out.